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Credit goes to tabbycat5 for this image.

Sep. 21st, 2009

Seriously, I just watched the BEST show! Its a British show from the 90's called, "Takin' Over the Asylum."

Its a really uplifting show about a salesmen who becomes a part time DJ for a local mental hospital. It's really funny and sad at the same time! But, of course, its got the brilliant David Tennant in it *points to icon.* That man does not age. This is over ten years later and he doesn't look a day over 30.

Anyways, my favorite quote from the show is from Tennant's character, a 19-year-old manic depressive: "WE ARE LOONIES AND WE ARE PROUD!!"

I felt almost proud to be slightly Obsessive Compulsive :) Its quite funny, but ever since I was 12 years old or so, its been one of my really weird, secret desires...to stay in a mental hospital. You might wonder where this all started! Well, it all happened when I was around 12. This was when I was at my darkest times, I was completely anxiety ridden and probably what you would call clinically depressed. It was around when I was this age (or 13, can't remember) that every night for a month or so, I was having night terrors. This is when some of my religious OCD started first showing up, after I had my first night terror; I dreamed I was being possessed by a demon. Of course, it was just a nightmare, but it was still scary as all hell. If you've ever had a night terror, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Anyways, back to the mental hospital obsession! So, around this time I bought a book that I had read was really good, and I had no idea what to expect, other than the fact that it was about a girl with mental problems. It was called, "Girl, Interrupted," by Susanna Kaysen,  and it is still my favorite book (next to the Bible) of ALL TIME! I also love the movie, although I don't think it does the book justice. So, after reading this very adult book as a pre-teen, I became pretty much obsessed with mental disorders, mental hospitals, and the like! Which is also what led me to my major in psychology. I just love the people in that book so much...it's a true story, too. And because of the movie, to this day, when I'm feeling really down, I listen to "Downtown," by Petula Clark, and I feel loads better!

Anyways, enough with my ranting! :)
Praise the Lord! Once again He answers my prayers without me even noticing. I have praying that my parking permit bill would come in the mail so that I could pay it and get my permit, and it had really been stressing me out! So, I finally asked my mom to give them a call, and lo and behold! I'd already payed the stupid bill! God works in amazing ways. Just goes to show, I should have just trusted Him! I had been asking for a bleeding miracle this whole time, acting all disappointed in Him when I thought He hadn't answered me, and doubting Him and all. And all that time, He'd already answered my prayers! Thank and praise the Lord! God is good :) In Jesus Name!

So, on another issue, my OCD has been taking a big toll on me lately. Physically and mentally! I've been really short of breath lately, especially in the evenings. Now, I know its not because I'm out of shape or overweight, because I'm not either of these. Also, I eat pretty healthy and I don't drink anything but water, tea, and decaff coffee. So, I know its OCD. Also, I know its OCD because the shortness of breath is the worst when I think of something that triggers my OCD. Also, headaches and chest pains! Been getting a lot of those lately. Nothing horrible, but noticeable none the less. So, I'm thinking of going to see the mental health professionals at our school as soon as possible, God willing. Its the shortness of breath thats the real killer. I've just started to do treadmill again, 2 miles a night for 30 minutes, and everytime I look at the little digital counter thing that says how many miles I've done, I get really anxious, and this is while I'm running mind you, and then I suddenly stop breathing for a second without even meaning to. After this I'm practically choking for air because its like no matter how much air I get, its not enough. So, hopefully I'll be able to check this out soon...I hope its not actually something serious...

Oh, and also, BEATLES ROCK BAND COMES OUT. And my X-box is still dead >.< Why God, why?!! LOL j/k. (Thank God for this bit of normality! Thank you Lord Jesus!)

Sep. 2nd, 2009

Since its been all gloom and doom on this journal lately, I figured I'd post about how my life is going besides the OCD (which has been considerably less lately! Thank the Lord!).

Anyways, I'm starting college soon! I'm really nervous, simply because I don't know which books to get yet, when to get them, when I should meet with my advisor, and just...AGH! But, at the same time, I'm excited to be a college student, and I just want to get to my classes already! I want to start living again! There are things to do, places to go, things to see! I haven't felt this excited about life in the past year!

Anyways, besides college, I've been turning into a major fangirl once again :) I'm currently nuts over Doctor Who again, and I've also rediscovered how incredibly GORGEOUS David Tennant is!

Also....BEATLES ROCK BAND. I can't WAIT! But, it sucks because my brothers X-box 360 went RROD on us a week or so ago, so he has to either buy a used one or mail it in for repair. And that'll take like 4-6 weeks apparently. ARRRGH!!! What terrible timing! All the same, maybe this is a sign from God to focus more on Him than the Beatles, which I need to remember to do. I sometimes get so caught up in my fandoms I lose focus of the bigger picture.

I think these lyrics perfectly describe how I feel lately:
"We gotta hurry with no worry to get done today
Cause one of us is gonna die young
Let’s put our money where our mouth is and get out today
Cause one of us is gonna die young"

Doubting again...

So, my doubts have returned, again. I guess right now I'm just confused. I keep reading Jewish points of view about their reasons why Jesus is not the messiah, and I feel like I'm running low on faith. I still have a smidgen of faith, but I'm afraid I really am at mustard seed level. But at the same time, I'm hopeful just saying that :) I don't know why, the minute I said that I felt...hopeful. Thank you, God!

The Holy Spirit maybe? Anyways. I still get OCD shock waves when I just say "Holy Spirit". Damned OCD!!! Its taking over my life!! Today I felt like I couldn't pray to God because I wasn't in my room. I HATE my room. Its like the center of my OCD. I hate being in there, I hate walking by my room, just peering in causes anxiety for me. So, I felt like I couldn't pray today because of it.

...I prayed just now. I feel a little bit better. Almost like crying, really. Praise God for that. Thank you Lord, for hearing my prayer. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Ok, so heres my main problem: I don't know how to tell my parents about my OCD. I mean, my mom basically knows about my skin picking, but maintains her idea that if I would just STOP picking I would be fine. The problem is, once I start, I don't feel like I can stop, or I keep saying I'm going to stop and I never do it. So thats a problem. The other is, whilst my parents can sense something odd is going on with me and my religiosity habits, they have no idea that its OCD, so they don't know what to do about it, and every time they ask me if something is wrong, my immediate reply: "Nope. Nothing wrong. I like reading my Bible for two hours every night. I like feeling the need to avoid my room for fear I will think sinful thoughts. I like being completely distracted 24/7 and having my parents think I have ADD. Nope. Nothing wrong at all." 

Why can't I tell them? I mean, I've only just recently figured out that there is something wrong in the first place! But its like the lie has gone on for so long I know if I told them they'd only yell and cry and freak out, like they do about everything.

I know my parents. My mom, especially. I love her, and I know she only cares about me, but its like if anything goes wrong, she can't just be calm about it!! She has to have a huge family intervention about the whole thing!!
If someone, in a moment of fear, says (to themselves, not out loud) that they believe the Holy Spirit is of the devil, and then later renounces that and says they were wrong, will they be eternally condemned? Like, in a moment of intense fear and doubt they believed for a second that the Holy Spirit was of the devil, and then after that realized how wrong it was to believe such things, and repented and believed the Holy Spirit was of God, would they still be condemned?

I'm really discouraged today. My OCD was pretty bad last night, in that I ended up deleting and re-writing the same comment three times before I sucked it up and just posted it. Even then, the feeling was awful. I felt like something was eating my insides.

But that is not whats discouraging me! My face. It looks hideous because I just picked at it. But even before that, I had done little to no picking for three days before that, and what do I get? I wake up this morning with two red spots on my forehead. MY FOREHEAD, WHICH I HAVE NOT TOUCHED IN THREE DAYS. WTF. I hated myself. I hate being ugly. I just hate it. To top it off, my arms are looking awful, as are my legs. I keep picking at them. Its driving me mad. No matter what I do, they don't heal fast enough, because I can't stop picking at them!!

I seriously want to tear my hair out.

OCD again...

Well, I have had a bit of a turning point in my OCD. My obsession with the unforgivable sin is starting to wane, (THANK YOU GOD) and is now being replaced once again with reading my Bible. But even that is starting to fade once again! Thank you, Lord! Hallelujah! I think its a miracle. But, at the same time, I'm starting to pay more attention to little meaningless things, and less attention to God, which I am going to nip in the bud! I cannot let that happen, not again, not ever. Please, God. Let me not fall away from you, and keep me in your hold always. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Anyways, whats really weird is that my OCD has been popping up on things non-religious! Its still focused on religion, but the other night, for example, I felt extremely anxious because my poster was crooked. And then I spent an odd amount of time readjusting it and re-taping all of the posters in my room. I knew the behavior was odd, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. In an odd way, though, it felt liberating! Like I could breath properly! Of course, eventually I stopped, very unwillingly I might add. But I played my DS for the first time in 6 months, and that took my mind off of it.

Also, I still have my odd little quirks that come with OCD. For example, my shortness of breath is still there. As are a lot of other smaller details that would take forever to write out and which just give me a headache. I know I need help. I just know I do. I think I knew I did last summer, but I was a rotten little brat still and payed more attention to my video games and anime to do anything about it. But now, I feel purged. I feel like ever since I lost weight last year, I've been purged of an unclean layer of myself. I feel empty, but it feels good. Because now I can fill myself with better things. And that is what God is all about.

The only thing that won't leave me still is my doubt in Jesus. But I know if I trust Him, He can make the doubting disappear. I just feel I have to take a leap in faith. Thank you, Jesus!

Sorry all! I know I complain about this WAY too much! But I know I will get help. Soon.

Aug. 7th, 2009

I am currently in a state of perpetual fear. What if I really am a horrible person? What if these thoughts are my one-way ticket to Hell?

I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Every day, these thoughts pop into my head. The minute I remember them and try to stop them they crop right up again. Horrible thoughts.

My worst fear and obsession is committing the unforgivable sin. Every day, these questions that I wish would stop come into my head. I try to stop them, to get them to go away. But they never stop. They never, ever stop.

These questions include: "what if Jesus is actually from the devil?" "What if the Holy Spirit is actually from the devil?" And they get worse than that. Sometimes they actually accuse them of being from the devil. Sometimes I feel like I can't control myself. Sometimes I find myself wanting to laugh hysterically for no reason. I feel like I am going mad.

Sometimes I feel like I am a truly evil, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. And that these thoughts are all coming from me.

Not OCD, not anxiety disorders, not anything, they're from me! I really, really hope thats not the case. But the minute I try to say, "its not my fault, its OCD" then another thought comes into my head: "Its all you. You need to ask for forgiveness for these horrible thoughts, because its all you." But then when I try to do so, nothing comes up. I can't think of the words. I try to tell God, but nothing comes to mind. I feel like this feeling is literally indescribable. It never stops.

Please, someone help me. I feel exhausted with it all. I feel like I am in a constant stand-still. I think I'm doing a number on my physical self as well. I feel ill half the time. My night terrors have been coming back. Panic attacks in my sleep. Please, God. Forgive me.

"This is the sound of someone losing the plot,
Making out they're ok when they're not,
You're gonna like it,
But not a lot."

Awesome sermon on insecurity...

Identifying Insecurity

"For THOU hast possessed my reins: THOU hast covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise THEE; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are THY Works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from THEE, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
THINE Eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in THY Book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them."
Psalm 139:13-16 KJV



Let me ask you to do what may be an uncomfortable exercise. We are going to examine statements that insecure people often make about themselves. As you read each one, ask yourself, Do I think similarly?

Insecure people make comments like:

* Why bother trying? I’ll never get it right.
* Everyone is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of myself.
* I’m a failure.
* I am ugly and awful to look at..
* I can never win. I’m just a loser.
* No matter how hard I work, I never get any recognition. <
* I am incompetent at everything.
* Nobody could ever speak well about me.
* I have failed before; once a failure, always a failure.
* I don’t see how anyone could ever like, respect, or accept me.
* I don’t deserve to be treated well.
* I don’t fit here or anywhere else.
* Everyone else looks so “together.” I feel “out of it” compared to them.
* I am an incomplete person, and nothing can change that.
* Why would anyone care to hear what I have to say?
* No one cares about what I think or feel.
* People are nice to me only when they want something from me.

Did any of the above statements ring true for you? Prayerfully consider the ones that got your attention. Then, take those specific fears to the Lord, and allow Him to show you His truth in each area. God wants to set you free from anything hindering your spiritual development.

In Touch Ministries....................................

I thought this was a cool one, so I stole it from LJChristians :) Can anyone relate to this? If so, I hope it helps, just bring it all to God, as it says, He'll take care of it! Thanks, God! Praise Jesus!