Seriously, I just watched the BEST show! Its a British show from the 90's called, "Takin' Over the Asylum."

Its a really uplifting show about a salesmen who becomes a part time DJ for a local mental hospital. It's really funny and sad at the same time! But, of course, its got the brilliant David Tennant in it *points to icon.* That man does not age. This is over ten years later and he doesn't look a day over 30.

Anyways, my favorite quote from the show is from Tennant's character, a 19-year-old manic depressive: "WE ARE LOONIES AND WE ARE PROUD!!"

I felt almost proud to be slightly Obsessive Compulsive :) Its quite funny, but ever since I was 12 years old or so, its been one of my really weird, secret desires...to stay in a mental hospital. You might wonder where this all started! Well, it all happened when I was around 12. This was when I was at my darkest times, I was completely anxiety ridden and probably what you would call clinically depressed. It was around when I was this age (or 13, can't remember) that every night for a month or so, I was having night terrors. This is when some of my religious OCD started first showing up, after I had my first night terror; I dreamed I was being possessed by a demon. Of course, it was just a nightmare, but it was still scary as all hell. If you've ever had a night terror, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Anyways, back to the mental hospital obsession! So, around this time I bought a book that I had read was really good, and I had no idea what to expect, other than the fact that it was about a girl with mental problems. It was called, "Girl, Interrupted," by Susanna Kaysen,  and it is still my favorite book (next to the Bible) of ALL TIME! I also love the movie, although I don't think it does the book justice. So, after reading this very adult book as a pre-teen, I became pretty much obsessed with mental disorders, mental hospitals, and the like! Which is also what led me to my major in psychology. I just love the people in that book so much...it's a true story, too. And because of the movie, to this day, when I'm feeling really down, I listen to "Downtown," by Petula Clark, and I feel loads better!

Anyways, enough with my ranting! :)

Praise the Lord! Once again He answers my prayers without me even noticing. I have praying that my parking permit bill would come in the mail so that I could pay it and get my permit, and it had really been stressing me out! So, I finally asked my mom to give them a call, and lo and behold! I'd already payed the stupid bill! God works in amazing ways. Just goes to show, I should have just trusted Him! I had been asking for a bleeding miracle this whole time, acting all disappointed in Him when I thought He hadn't answered me, and doubting Him and all. And all that time, He'd already answered my prayers! Thank and praise the Lord! God is good :) In Jesus Name!

So, on another issue, my OCD has been taking a big toll on me lately. Physically and mentally! I've been really short of breath lately, especially in the evenings. Now, I know its not because I'm out of shape or overweight, because I'm not either of these. Also, I eat pretty healthy and I don't drink anything but water, tea, and decaff coffee. So, I know its OCD. Also, I know its OCD because the shortness of breath is the worst when I think of something that triggers my OCD. Also, headaches and chest pains! Been getting a lot of those lately. Nothing horrible, but noticeable none the less. So, I'm thinking of going to see the mental health professionals at our school as soon as possible, God willing. Its the shortness of breath thats the real killer. I've just started to do treadmill again, 2 miles a night for 30 minutes, and everytime I look at the little digital counter thing that says how many miles I've done, I get really anxious, and this is while I'm running mind you, and then I suddenly stop breathing for a second without even meaning to. After this I'm practically choking for air because its like no matter how much air I get, its not enough. So, hopefully I'll be able to check this out soon...I hope its not actually something serious...

Oh, and also, BEATLES ROCK BAND COMES OUT. And my X-box is still dead >.< Why God, why?!! LOL j/k. (Thank God for this bit of normality! Thank you Lord Jesus!)

Since its been all gloom and doom on this journal lately, I figured I'd post about how my life is going besides the OCD (which has been considerably less lately! Thank the Lord!).


Anyways, I'm starting college soon! I'm really nervous, simply because I don't know which books to get yet, when to get them, when I should meet with my advisor, and just...AGH! But, at the same time, I'm excited to be a college student, and I just want to get to my classes already! I want to start living again! There are things to do, places to go, things to see! I haven't felt this excited about life in the past year!


Anyways, besides college, I've been turning into a major fangirl once again :) I'm currently nuts over Doctor Who again, and I've also rediscovered how incredibly GORGEOUS David Tennant is!

Also....BEATLES ROCK BAND. I can't WAIT! But, it sucks because my brothers X-box 360 went RROD on us a week or so ago, so he has to either buy a used one or mail it in for repair. And that'll take like 4-6 weeks apparently. ARRRGH!!! What terrible timing! All the same, maybe this is a sign from God to focus more on Him than the Beatles, which I need to remember to do. I sometimes get so caught up in my fandoms I lose focus of the bigger picture.

I think these lyrics perfectly describe how I feel lately:

So, my doubts have returned, again. I guess right now I'm just confused. I keep reading Jewish points of view about their reasons why Jesus is not the messiah, and I feel like I'm running low on faith. I still have a smidgen of faith, but I'm afraid I really am at mustard seed level. But at the same time, I'm hopeful just saying that :) I don't know why, the minute I said that I felt...hopeful. Thank you, God!

The Holy Spirit maybe? Anyways. I still get OCD shock waves when I just say "Holy Spirit". Damned OCD!!! Its taking over my life!! Today I felt like I couldn't pray to God because I wasn't in my room. I HATE my room. Its like the center of my OCD. I hate being in there, I hate walking by my room, just peering in causes anxiety for me. So, I felt like I couldn't pray today because of it.

...I prayed just now. I feel a little bit better. Almost like crying, really. Praise God for that. Thank you Lord, for hearing my prayer. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Ok, so heres my main problem: I don't know how to tell my parents about my OCD. I mean, my mom basically knows about my skin picking, but maintains her idea that if I would just STOP picking I would be fine. The problem is, once I start, I don't feel like I can stop, or I keep saying I'm going to stop and I never do it. So thats a problem. The other is, whilst my parents can sense something odd is going on with me and my religiosity habits, they have no idea that its OCD, so they don't know what to do about it, and every time they ask me if something is wrong, my immediate reply: "Nope. Nothing wrong. I like reading my Bible for two hours every night. I like feeling the need to avoid my room for fear I will think sinful thoughts. I like being completely distracted 24/7 and having my parents think I have ADD. Nope. Nothing wrong at all." 

Why can't I tell them? I mean, I've only just recently figured out that there is something wrong in the first place! But its like the lie has gone on for so long I know if I told them they'd only yell and cry and freak out, like they do about everything.

I know my parents. My mom, especially. I love her, and I know she only cares about me, but its like if anything goes wrong, she can't just be calm about it!! She has to have a huge family intervention about the whole thing!!

If someone, in a moment of fear, says (to themselves, not out loud) that they believe the Holy Spirit is of the devil, and then later renounces that and says they were wrong, will they be eternally condemned? Like, in a moment of intense fear and doubt they believed for a second that the Holy Spirit was of the devil, and then after that realized how wrong it was to believe such things, and repented and believed the Holy Spirit was of God, would they still be condemned?

x-posted

I'm really discouraged today. My OCD was pretty bad last night, in that I ended up deleting and re-writing the same comment three times before I sucked it up and just posted it. Even then, the feeling was awful. I felt like something was eating my insides.

But that is not whats discouraging me! My face. It looks hideous because I just picked at it. But even before that, I had done little to no picking for three days before that, and what do I get? I wake up this morning with two red spots on my forehead. MY FOREHEAD, WHICH I HAVE NOT TOUCHED IN THREE DAYS. WTF. I hated myself. I hate being ugly. I just hate it. To top it off, my arms are looking awful, as are my legs. I keep picking at them. Its driving me mad. No matter what I do, they don't heal fast enough, because I can't stop picking at them!!

I seriously want to tear my hair out.

Well, I have had a bit of a turning point in my OCD. My obsession with the unforgivable sin is starting to wane, (THANK YOU GOD) and is now being replaced once again with reading my Bible. But even that is starting to fade once again! Thank you, Lord! Hallelujah! I think its a miracle. But, at the same time, I'm starting to pay more attention to little meaningless things, and less attention to God, which I am going to nip in the bud! I cannot let that happen, not again, not ever. Please, God. Let me not fall away from you, and keep me in your hold always. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Anyways, whats really weird is that my OCD has been popping up on things non-religious! Its still focused on religion, but the other night, for example, I felt extremely anxious because my poster was crooked. And then I spent an odd amount of time readjusting it and re-taping all of the posters in my room. I knew the behavior was odd, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. In an odd way, though, it felt liberating! Like I could breath properly! Of course, eventually I stopped, very unwillingly I might add. But I played my DS for the first time in 6 months, and that took my mind off of it.

Also, I still have my odd little quirks that come with OCD. For example, my shortness of breath is still there. As are a lot of other smaller details that would take forever to write out and which just give me a headache. I know I need help. I just know I do. I think I knew I did last summer, but I was a rotten little brat still and payed more attention to my video games and anime to do anything about it. But now, I feel purged. I feel like ever since I lost weight last year, I've been purged of an unclean layer of myself. I feel empty, but it feels good. Because now I can fill myself with better things. And that is what God is all about.

The only thing that won't leave me still is my doubt in Jesus. But I know if I trust Him, He can make the doubting disappear. I just feel I have to take a leap in faith. Thank you, Jesus!

Sorry all! I know I complain about this WAY too much! But I know I will get help. Soon.

I am currently in a state of perpetual fear. What if I really am a horrible person? What if these thoughts are my one-way ticket to Hell?

I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Every day, these thoughts pop into my head. The minute I remember them and try to stop them they crop right up again. Horrible thoughts.

My worst fear and obsession is committing the unforgivable sin. Every day, these questions that I wish would stop come into my head. I try to stop them, to get them to go away. But they never stop. They never, ever stop.

These questions include: "what if Jesus is actually from the devil?" "What if the Holy Spirit is actually from the devil?" And they get worse than that. Sometimes they actually accuse them of being from the devil. Sometimes I feel like I can't control myself. Sometimes I find myself wanting to laugh hysterically for no reason. I feel like I am going mad.

Sometimes I feel like I am a truly evil, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. And that these thoughts are all coming from me.

Not OCD, not anxiety disorders, not anything, they're from me! I really, really hope thats not the case. But the minute I try to say, "its not my fault, its OCD" then another thought comes into my head: "Its all you. You need to ask for forgiveness for these horrible thoughts, because its all you." But then when I try to do so, nothing comes up. I can't think of the words. I try to tell God, but nothing comes to mind. I feel like this feeling is literally indescribable. It never stops.

Please, someone help me. I feel exhausted with it all. I feel like I am in a constant stand-still. I think I'm doing a number on my physical self as well. I feel ill half the time. My night terrors have been coming back. Panic attacks in my sleep. Please, God. Forgive me.

This is the perfect verse for me today. I just heard the Apollo 8 video playing on tv, and the astronauts just recited Genesis :)


.....And now my OCD just came back like crazy. Its a never ending cycle *sigh*

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.5
Mind:	4.9
Body:	7
Spirit:	7.1
Friends/Family:	5
Love:	0
Finance:	5.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Hmmm. Apparently I have no love life. This is true. But, I'm only 18, and I'm trying to work on my complexion, so as far as I'm concerned, I don't need a love life!

Hey guys. I've been sick all week, and its really ruining my summer as a whole. I have another Drivers test next Tues, but I think I'm going to have to reschedule, because there is no way I'd pass it as I am now. I've been sleeping around the house for the past six days, so I've had no time or energy to practice driving, so I'm screwed. Looks like I'm going to have to reschedule.

Lately I've just been up and down. One minute I'm not doubting at all, next its back full force! Right now I'm good though, thanks to God! But I'm always feeling uneasy now, no matter what I do. And I know this uneasiness is holding me back from growing into the type of person I want to be for God. So, its somewhat...annoying. But, I carry on. Its like I can feel my brain being divided into two parts, one is sane, moral, normal, the other is completely hostile, anxious, evil, and just downright awful. I can feel myself trying to shut off this part of myself, but its proving to be difficult.

In other news, I'm reading "It" by Stephen King. Awesome book! Its really creepy and interesting to read. Also, I need to re-read the sixth Harry Potter book. I can't wait for the sixth movie to come out!! *is so psyched*

So, I've been pretty up and down this week! 

I'm starting to wonder if I really have OCD, or I'm just fooling myself. Am I really OCD, or am I just making excuses for my unwillingness to focus on anything important? Truth is, although I do love reading my Bible every night, I don't like reading it during the day. Its not because I don't like reading it, I love reading it! Its just that, during the day, I see all these people my age, out and about, having fun, and here I am, stuck inside, reading my Bible. I feel like I can't do anything else! If I don't focus on God, I feel like I'm...disgusting.

I guess my motives are all screwed up. This anxiety I seem to feel 24/7, I can't figure it out. I'm anxious that I'll do something wrong, that I AM wrong. I'm just so worried that I am actually a terrible, lazy person, who just wants God for their own peace of mind. I feel guilty almost all the time! I don't know why, but I feel like I'm creating a barrier between me and God, and I feel like God doesn't want to cross that barrier. I feel like I don't know HOW to cross that barrier. And its funny, because I actually am not having as many doubts as I used to. In fact, last night I had a huge outburst of faith in Jesus! But, as I was praying to Him, I felt like I hadn't confessed all my sins yet. And I couldn't focus on my prayers, because I was trying to focus on confessing my sins correctly. And then I wasn't praying correctly. And the thought of going on some Christian website and finding out how to pray correctly seemed so unappealing that I just sat there, feeling anxious, not really knowing what to do with myself. I feel like a shell of myself. A shell of this girl who used to do all the things a normal teenager does, and now I'm just this shriveled up, dying spirit stuck in an 18-year-old body. SIGH. I know that God can help me. I just can't seem to help myself. I would really like to et an appointment with a therapist, but I haven't the money, or the transportation. I'm gonna try though!!

Anyways, on a lighter note, I finally got a new cell-phone! My other one was like 3 years old. Hurray :D Anyways, as for that OCD list, its grown a bit:
1. Going to the movies
2. Reading a book
3. Going on the computer for leisurely activities (such as YouTube)
4. watching TV alone
5. thinking in general (cannot 'unfocus' on God; just typing that makes me feel like scum...)

Also, I've been pretty good about picking lately, but I picked a little today. Its still not that bad though...

Hey all.

Only 10 days till graduation.

9 days till my next drivers test. (I failed the last two. Pathetic, I know).

I feel really weird right now. I think its the song I'm listening to. And the fact that even though I just mutilated my face, I feel perfectly fine, happy even. I realize for the first time in my life that my being ugly has nothing to do with anything. The physical is not important. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't understand why thats so important to me. God has shown me that even though the physical may be unappealing, the only beauty is the beauty in ourselves. The outside means nothing. It may become a representation, sure, but it is meaningless by itself. So, I feel...relieved. I don't have to worry about it anymore. Praise God! That doesn't mean I should still pick, of course. It just means I don't have to pick to "perfect" myself. :) Hurray! I can live again! Praise be to God! Thank you, God.

So...I'm a total trekkie nerd now. I saw the new Star Trek movie, and I've been watching the original series, and I rented all of the previous movies. So much fun! I love it! Spock is my favorite :)

Hello again! I can't believe I've been posting so much lately! I'm really enjoying being back on LJ though :)

So! I've been really amazed by how much more peaceful I've been feeling lately. I think (I KNOW) it's because I've stopped doubting and ignoring God, and I've just stepped aside and said, "show me what you got." And he's shown me so much! Every day I feel like I'm learning and bettering myself! It's going at a pretty day-to-day pace, but it's awesome. :D Hurray for God!

Ya know whats been weirding me out though? I've been having this weird memory loss thing. Not complete memory loss, but I'll be mid-thought or I'll be worried about something, and then suddenly my brain will just click off. Like, I'll suddenly feel my mind completely drained and empty, and I won't remember what I was thinking about. Sometimes, if I think about it for a really long time, it'll suddenly come back to me, but mostly it's just completely gone. 0_0 I'm going senile... Anyways! I think it's just stress. My Art portfolio is due in two weeks, and I've still got to finish about 5 works or so.

AND. My driver's test  is this Wednesday! I'm so worried about it!! I really don't want to fail it, but I know I'll be really nervous! I just have to concentrate really hard, but not to the point of crashing (mentally or physically).

SO. I've been into a lot of different things lately. Namely movies. And books. And music. Ok, I guess that's not just movies...

I watched the movie Fight Club for the first time. Great movie! Really funny, but really dark.

I also watched the movie Garden State (Awesome soundtrack) and Trainspotting (also an awesome soundtrack). Has anyone seen Slumdog Millionaire? It's a really, really good movie. I totally recommend it.

And now I'm really depressed. Because as I was TRYING to finish this post, I started picking at my arms. And now they are red and disgusting. (I have a skin condition on my arms, Keratosis Pilaris, which is very common, but also bad luck on my part because it is a primary target for my skin picking. SIGH) Now I'm going to go wash my arms....Ugh.

THE SOUND OF FINGERS SLIDING SLOWLY, AND VERY HARD AGAINST A LOCKER. THAT'S RIGHT. CAPS. xD I stole this from one of my LJ friends. But yeah! Has anyone ever heard that sound? It's awful! Anyways...

SO. BAD HABITS. I have a very, very bad habit. So bad, in fact, that it makes me feel emotionally unstable. 

I pick at my face. A lot. And my arms, legs, stomach, chest, nails, scalp, anything I can get at. Yup. And by pick, I mean I squeeze, scrape, pick off scabs, and bite. It looks horrendous and it makes you feel numb. LAME. Afterwards, you look at the carnage, and think, "what have I done?!!!" It's quite possibly the worst habit in the world. I hate it with all of my being :x I'm trying to stop, but it's hard. It's like a compulsion. In fact, I actually believe it is a compulsion. I think I have OCD. But no one believes me. Complain complain complain.

Alrighty then, enough of me ranting about my problems. I'll talk to you guys later!

HOLY CRAP. IT'S BEEN LIKE A YEAR. I've been so busy :O It's ridiculous. I've had like zero contact with any of my internet buddies in the past year. Pretty pathetic, huh? Anways...

SO. I'm going to graduate high school in a month. WHAT. I'M OLD. I'm actually legal now, hurray for me! And I'm going to get my license next Wednesday! (Late bloomer much?) It's taken me forever to get this whole driver training thing underway, so hopefully I'll pass. I need to drive myself to college.

THAT'S RIGHT. COLLEGE. WTF. I got accepted to my college of choice, and am going to major in psychology. HURRAY. Now I just need to keep my Chemistry grade at a C and I'm good to go.

ANYWAYS...what have I been into lately? Let's make a list:
1. GOD. Yes, God. I've rededicated my life to Christ and it's going swimmingly :) AKA He's helping me with all of my problems and flaws with grace and kindness, and is leading me to bigger, better things. I was in doubt of him for so long that I was practically agnostic, but Thanks to him (and a wonderful Christian community on LJ) I have regained my faith and assurance and am back in the game! Thank you, Lord! I have peace and gladness at last :)

2. MUSIC. I just got back from Coachella Festival. AWESOME. My faves were there: Paul McCartney (SWOON), Morrissey (blush), The Killers (GASP), Amanda Palmer (LOVE HER), and I also saw Franz Ferdinand and Jenny Lewis, who both ruled. And no offense to her, but MIA was annoyingly loud. I don't mind her music, though. Oh, and we saw James Morrison. He was cool.

3. CLINT EASTWOOD. The man is a genius. And he was flippin' hot when he was younger ;D

4. DANNY BOYLE MOVIES. The man is also a genius. Saw Slumdog Millionaire, AWESOME MOVIE, and Trainspotting is another one of my favorite movies

5. MORRISSEY. Gah, I love that man. He is so cool, and his music is so good.

Last but not least, I've been eating really healthy and exercising on and off for the last 6 months or so, and I've lost a lot of weight! I was never really overweight to begin with, but I was certainly not healthy. Now, however, I'm at a very healthy weight and it shows! I've lost like ten pounds :) Hurray! I'm also trying to go veggie, but it's proving to be difficult. I don't know where to start, so I've just been cutting out my meats and replacing them with other non-meat protein foods like lentils and soy.

I'll talk later! :D Bye all!

Man, I haven't been on in so long! Partly due to laziness and my internet being out for a month...

Anyway! Finished summer school, started Senior year. I can't believe I'm gonna be off to college 0_0 I'm excited for it, though.

So, as far as my recent obsessions! I just recently rediscovered my love for anime and video games. I was so obsessed with them in middle school, and I can see why...Final Fantasy and Death Note being among my current favorites.

Well, there's not much to say, as nothing particularly interesting has been happening to me...